Its hard to be a human being (Baby Blue Sedan–Modest Mouse)

Not much to say right now, thoughts flying through my head but no way to put them into a cohesive pattern that would make any sense to anyone but myself.  Until the time is right for me to find my voice once again, here is another song to entertain you through this long intermission.  Love ya all, Zen

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Cake: Sheep go to Heaven

Due to some technical difficulties I have not been able to post much lately.  Here is a bit of music to entertain you through the continued intermission.  I should be back on before long.  If you want you can come visit me in the woods.  You will find me playing on my pan pipes and drinking my wine.  Guess I am a goat!

Past and Present: Two Songs By Modest Mouse

As I was cleaning my cabin, preparing for the arrival of my son and his girlfriend, I listened to Modest Mouse’s Making Nothing Out of Something.  There are two songs on that disk that fit superbly into  my current introspective mood.  First is Medication, the lyrics are written out below the video if you would like to read a long.

This song reminds me of how I was for the majority of my adult life.  Broken up into one hundred different compartments in order to survive each instance of existence with no real self, no drive, little happiness.  All that was inside of me was dull boredom and blankness. Is it any wonder I needed to escape?

Next on the disk is a song that fits where I am now.  It is Working On Leaving The Living.

A year ago I made the choice to let go of 20+ years of emptiness.   Now, as I walk out my door in the morning and stand in the sun with the trees all around me, I truly feel that I have died and moved to heaven, as imperfect as this heaven is.  Each day I am working on leaving the living; the living consisting of that which is considered the social “norm”.  Each day I am working on driving my dreams.

Thank you my friend

I needed some perking up and my favorite Irish bloke knew just what I needed.  Thank you my dear friend.

Dark Center of the Universe–Modest Mouse

My favorite band is Modest Mouse.  It is funny because when I first heard them I didn’t like them but they grew on me as I came to appreciate the complexity of their musical and lyrical content.  When I would buy another of their CD’s, I  wouldn’t like it either, but it would grow on me as it challenged my ear and my mind forcing me to think of life, on many levels, in a different way.  Now I truly consider them as my absolute favorite band.   This particular song is on their CD, Moon and Antarctica.  You can buy it at Glacial Pace Records, which is Isaac Brock’s solution for giving an outlet for more….non commercial bands.  You can find some really awesome music there.

I have comtemplated this song over the last few weeks.  I feel it is the perfect song for coming to terms with long term relationships that ended badly.  I feel it can be sung by either party.  By contemplating the lyrics of this song; feeling them for myself and then with empathy toward the other parties in my relationships; I have been able to take responsibility for my part, release my guilt, see them in a different light thus releasing my anger toward them.  Pretty damn good for one song.  This song is what helped me move into the next phase of healing.  Thank you Modest Mouse!

I might disintegrate into the thin air if you like.
I’m not the dark center of the universe like you thought.
I might disintegrate into the thin air if you like.
I’m not the dark center of the universe like you thought.

Well it took a lot of work to be the ass that I am,
and I’m real damn sure that anyone can
equally easily fuck you over.

Well died saying something but didn’t mean it
every ones life ends but no one ever completes it.
Dry or wet ice they both melt and your equally cheated.

Well it took a lot of work to be the ass that I am,
and I’m really damn sure that anyone can
Equally easily fuck you over.

Well an endless ocean landing on an endless desert
Well its funny as hell but none laughs when they get there
If you can’t see the thin air
Than why the hell should you care.

Well it took a lot of work to be the ass that I am,
And I’m really damn sure that anyone can
Equally easily fuck you over

Well I’m sure you tell me you got nothing to say
But our voices shook hands the other day.
If you can’t see the thin air what the hell is in the way.

I might disintegrate into the thin air if you’d like.
And I’m not the dark center of the Universe like you thought.

Well it took a lot of work to be the ass that I am,
And I’m really damn sure that anyone can
Equally easily fuck you over

Well an endless ocean landing on an endless desert
Well its funny as hell but no one laughs when they get there
If you can’t see the thin air than why the hell should you care.

Well it took a lot of work to be the ass that I am,
And I’m really damn sure that anyone can
Equally easily fuck you over.

Well god saying something but he didn’t mean it
Everyone’s life ends but no one ever completes it
Dry or wet ice they both melt and your equally cheated.

Well, it took a lot of work to be the ass that I am,
And I’m really damn sure that anyone can
Equally easily fuck you over.

I’m sure you’ll tell me you got nothing to say
But our voices shook hands the other day.
If you can’t see the thin air than what the hells in your way?

Third Step

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives to the care of God as we understood him.”

This is the third step of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-anon. I have been contemplating this step. I ask myself “why is it that you chose a God that you have so many confrontations with?”

Listen to this excerpt from the Al-anon book “Courage to Change”:

“I think of this care as a source of love and support that surrounds me in my daily life. I do not need to earn it or to work for it; I need only be receptive to it. I continue to have a will to exercise and a life to live, but I do so bathed in a light of love and understanding.”

When I first read this I was irritated. Wouldn’t it be nice not to have a butfulio for a God? Wouldn’t it be nice to have one that was sweet and understanding all the time instead of an Old Testament badass? This irritation only lasted a minute or two, then I realized that I had in my understanding of God, exactly what I needed. This is, a higher power who can endure my rage without being harmed. One that tests me, works me, makes me look at myself, makes me develop my soul, forces me to dig deep but when I get angry at the troubles, he allows me to rant and rail and kick my feet and holler “NO!”

I also realized that I had exactly what was stated in that passage, I never fear retribution when I call him a dick, a fuck and an asshole. I know he loves me unconditionally and will never leave me no matter how angry and belligerent I get. I know he will always be there, in the light that streams through the branches of the trees in the morning, the sound of the rain on the roof, the taste of hot chocolate on my tongue. I know that when I pray he will hear me even if what I pray for isn’t in the cards this time. His laughter runs through my life, as he points to the humor in all situations no matter how dark, helping me see the irony and the beauty that lies within every day, every circumstance.

This is what I needed in a God. Someone who is strong enough in himself to not be turned away by my need to speak my tongue. Someone who doesn’t beat me down for being mad–or ignore me, or discount me, or punish me. He just accepts me and strangely enough I accept him.

I have interviewed many deities over the course of my life, through church, books and groups. I believe they are all one and the same, just in different smocks. God is infinite therefore can play many parts, fulfilling the need of each petitioner, even atheists whether they know it or not. This aspect of God, with whom I can bump heads with and quarrel with, who makes my life troublesome with his message delivery system, is the only one that I have really trusted. With the others, all sweet and nice, I felt I had to be better than I am or fall into disgrace. With many, you have to have absolute belief in order to be heard and answered. I am not good with absolute belief, I question everything. So my God doesn’t give a shit if you believe in him or not, he doesn’t need your belief to exist because he is all that is. He isn’t self important, needing constant praise because he has a good strong healthy self esteem. By the way, he wrote all the books on a lark, he had especial fun with the bible. Once again, I must point out the problems with his message delivery system and his sense of humor. He did fairly well when he picked Shakespeare as a messenger, however, many of his other choices were not so good, like me for instance…..

Which brings me to my next Shakespearean quote:

“He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.”

That said, I draw this post to a close with a kind adieu and good night.