That which follows……

After writing my first post in 10 months, I got to looking at my other posts and was amazed to  discovered just how honest and frank I was in them.  I was also dismayed that over the years, during this naked display of my inner angst, due to my state of mind, I was not all that careful to keep my name, or the names of the people in my life, private.  At times I guess I didn’t give a shit who knew who I was and what I was thinking.  At other times I was extremely careful about the identity of all those involved.

After giving this problem some thought, I decided to make all my posts private until I can go through and edit them to change my name to my on-line pseudonym  and to somewhat alter the names and places that are significant to my life.  I will not however remove any of my photos or otherwise change any of my posts because I feel this process of bearing my soul has had a profound impact on my life and may help someone else get through what they are going through because they will not feel like they are the only dumb ass in the world.  OK, maybe my purpose isn’t so altruistic, maybe I actually  find my life rather humorous and glory in my chance to laugh at myself as I make the same mistakes repeatedly then whine excessively about how unfair the world is to me.  Now, I realize that with pictures intact, it will be easy enough for someone in my community to come across this site and recognize me which could cause me trouble and great embarrassment.  But isn’t it because of the fear of shame that we hide who we really are and thus never live an authentic life? Besides, wouldn’t that make a most righteously funny post?  So welcome, my friends, to my Pseudolegendary Life.

Yours Truly,

Zenobia Quambush

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So Long

The time has come for the next step in the healing process. To do this I must walk out the door of the house of my old life and go on a walk-a-bout in the half world that is neither old nor new. How long it will take, I do not know, a day, a week, a month a year? No telling. But I must lock the door tight so the past does not follow me, whispering to me of my hypocrisy as I combine the two halves of myself into one. Scouring out the old ideas, beliefs and false assumptions so I can start anew, whole and fresh.

I am closing this site down during this period of time. In the past I have simply wiped everything out. Instead, I am going to change the privacy level so no one can read it. When the time is right, when I know what it is I wish to bring forward into my new state of being, I will reopen the appropriate posts and begin to add new ones.

I thank you all for being my witness. I will not be gone forever. Knowing my love of writing, it will probably be sooner rather then later.
Take care,
I hold you in my heart,
Zen

Letter to God

Dear God,

I am just a little bit curious, OK, massively curious, what this next relationship is all about. Would it be so bad for me to have a bit of NORMAL in my life. You have to admit that you have sent me on a path through the woods of weird. Just in doing that you have made it nigh impossible for me to find someone normal who would fit into my life as it stands now but this takes the cake. REALLY takes the cake.

I try to listen, honestly I do. I heard the quiet voice inside, the click of contentment and rightness, your sultry whisper in my heart, but Jesus H. Christ how can I present this to anyone I know without being labeled nuts? A married man who got the same feeling of strong unresistable recognition that I did, whose wife wants to meet me? For the love of all that is holy, how in the world can I follow this through? How can I not walk away from it, turn my back on it after all that I have had the “joy“ to experience? Can you please tell me what I did in my previous life that would make it such an imperative that I meet so many of my soul co-travelers in one go around? Sigh, trying for a positive outlook, is this the clearing house life in which I am making amends and paying penance for all my previous lives so I can move on to the next with my karmic debt paid off? Do I get to be a bodhisattva next time?

I know the choice is mine. He and I have only spoken across the counter at work. Even though the connection is strong for both of us, I know I can walk away without any stain added. But you are a devious wretch, you know I won’t because I am who I am, curiosity will propel me forward even though I know it is to certain doom. You know I HAVE to find out more about him because I can’t resist a good tale, I can’t resist that whisper of rightness that touches my soul every time you come up with a new twisted turn in the plot in the story that is my life. Sigh. At least this time I am not in love, just have known this man forever even though we have never met and have barely talked. Freaking annoying is what it is. Grr. Well, can you grant me one wish? Please let his wife and I get along. I could really use another good girl friend.

Your ever so frustrated and helpless minion,
With a grudging love,
Zen

PS Since you are messing with my head again how about some divine intervention in relation to the ants that keep coming into my house? The cayenne pepper helped a lot but I still have a few that wander about uninvited. Could you tell them to go away for me please. Thank you.

Third Step

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives to the care of God as we understood him.”

This is the third step of the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-anon. I have been contemplating this step. I ask myself “why is it that you chose a God that you have so many confrontations with?”

Listen to this excerpt from the Al-anon book “Courage to Change”:

“I think of this care as a source of love and support that surrounds me in my daily life. I do not need to earn it or to work for it; I need only be receptive to it. I continue to have a will to exercise and a life to live, but I do so bathed in a light of love and understanding.”

When I first read this I was irritated. Wouldn’t it be nice not to have a butfulio for a God? Wouldn’t it be nice to have one that was sweet and understanding all the time instead of an Old Testament badass? This irritation only lasted a minute or two, then I realized that I had in my understanding of God, exactly what I needed. This is, a higher power who can endure my rage without being harmed. One that tests me, works me, makes me look at myself, makes me develop my soul, forces me to dig deep but when I get angry at the troubles, he allows me to rant and rail and kick my feet and holler “NO!”

I also realized that I had exactly what was stated in that passage, I never fear retribution when I call him a dick, a fuck and an asshole. I know he loves me unconditionally and will never leave me no matter how angry and belligerent I get. I know he will always be there, in the light that streams through the branches of the trees in the morning, the sound of the rain on the roof, the taste of hot chocolate on my tongue. I know that when I pray he will hear me even if what I pray for isn’t in the cards this time. His laughter runs through my life, as he points to the humor in all situations no matter how dark, helping me see the irony and the beauty that lies within every day, every circumstance.

This is what I needed in a God. Someone who is strong enough in himself to not be turned away by my need to speak my tongue. Someone who doesn’t beat me down for being mad–or ignore me, or discount me, or punish me. He just accepts me and strangely enough I accept him.

I have interviewed many deities over the course of my life, through church, books and groups. I believe they are all one and the same, just in different smocks. God is infinite therefore can play many parts, fulfilling the need of each petitioner, even atheists whether they know it or not. This aspect of God, with whom I can bump heads with and quarrel with, who makes my life troublesome with his message delivery system, is the only one that I have really trusted. With the others, all sweet and nice, I felt I had to be better than I am or fall into disgrace. With many, you have to have absolute belief in order to be heard and answered. I am not good with absolute belief, I question everything. So my God doesn’t give a shit if you believe in him or not, he doesn’t need your belief to exist because he is all that is. He isn’t self important, needing constant praise because he has a good strong healthy self esteem. By the way, he wrote all the books on a lark, he had especial fun with the bible. Once again, I must point out the problems with his message delivery system and his sense of humor. He did fairly well when he picked Shakespeare as a messenger, however, many of his other choices were not so good, like me for instance…..

Which brings me to my next Shakespearean quote:

“He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.”

That said, I draw this post to a close with a kind adieu and good night.

Letter to God: Damn it, you are right

Dear God,

OK, I give up.  You are right, I am wrong.  BUT I still say no to certain aspects of the situation until further notice.

Love,

me

PS thanks for the awesome friend.   Thank you.